I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
After last night, I could never be a politician.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
