You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
