I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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