your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
