I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
