you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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