Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
