Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
