Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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