So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
