I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
