you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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