i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
How does one acquire holy water?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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