so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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