I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
