Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
