your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
