today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
