I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Panties = found
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
