Need sex. Gaining weight.
Barsexuality is the new black.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Send help, water and tortillas.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
