Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
this will be a night to untag.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
