he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
