Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
You were trust falling into bushes
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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