This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
