Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
