just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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