He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
