I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
