I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize
