The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
So much rum. So many feels.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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