Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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