All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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