dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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