I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
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