I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
