Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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