why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You have to summon your inner elephant
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
