New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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