i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
