fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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