i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
