my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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