if you like me you must not know who I am
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
