I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
