you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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