Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
