My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
