When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
