i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
