So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
