Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
